


What do you want?

by kookillua



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Awkwardness, First Kiss, Fluff, Gon the new friend, M/M, anxious Killua, crush on Gon, excited Gon, shy Killua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 06:16:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kookillua/pseuds/kookillua
Summary: Honestly I don't know what to really say except that I soemhow felt super emotional so I decided to write a short story??, hope someone enjoys this chapter and the chapters that will follow as soon as possible! :)





	What do you want?

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I don't know what to really say except that I soemhow felt super emotional so I decided to write a short story??, hope someone enjoys this chapter and the chapters that will follow as soon as possible! :)

**One**

 

_pray for me_

_don't leave me_

_i want to see_

_you_

_  
before my heart starts to bleed_

_that you lead  
_

_its beat_

_you are light  
someday_

_you might take my sight_

 

 

Sighing, he slowly, with an almost disconcerted expression, pulled away his eyes from the words on the white paper of his pocket book. With hands dropped to each side, his pencil fell down to the ground followed by his pocket book. In the end all of it didn't matter. He had been sitting at the same place for hours now, if not even longer, still had remained unmoved. His legs were middlingly frozen by now due to the coldness surrounding him as he had been sitting on the window ledge for some time now, window wide open, not minding the coldness wrapping around him like a blanket.

Wether it was a clear sky, a foggy night, rain or snow, he was used to sitting there, preferably at night when his thoughts seemed endless, a time where his mind was able to convert his peculiar feelings and his muddly thoughts into actual words. Yet it didn't help him to express his inner confusion of thoughts completely, it only contributed to shaping his thoughts, in this way only slightly enabling him to vaguely recognize what those feelings and thoughts looked like. By looking outside,he was able to perceive a new detail each night as his eyes immediately got used to the darkness. Sometimes there were noises, a small animal dashing through his garden, a squirrel or cat. Nevertheless he payed most of his attention to the sky, hovering over him like a built up tent. It were stars which unfailingly kept mesmerizing him, reflecting in his blue orbs. Each time he glanced up, it felt like he was looking at something infinite and unattainable.

Tonight a clear sky greeted him, accompanied by soft snowflakes, part of them tenderly ending up on top of his silver hair. The cold breeze made his body shiver, the pitch black darkness of the sky made the half moon and the stars seem undeniably bright and warm although goosebumps appeared all over his skin. Altogether it was a magnificent scene playing infront of him, around him

– _a beautiful mess of unspoken words and thoughts in his head, that’s how he felt_ – causing a feeling of forlornness, a heavy feeling in his chest. Yet another feeling got caught in his chest – seemingly confusing him as it didn’t feel heavy nor light. Usually he didn’t like to deal with **_it_**.

**_It?_ **

He had never labelled ** _it_** , those thoughts and feelings living inside of him. Killua had never tried to expose any of his feelings, to anyone. Rather than exposing, he indulged the possibility to draw his own world, created of thoughts, blooming in every corner of his mind. The amount of feelings bottled up inside of him was immeasurable but he never intended to utter a word to someone about it, it didn’t felt right. He couldn’t quite imagine someone else discovering his feelings, so he dealt with them on his own. Although at times it wasn’t the easiest thing to do especially when **_he_** was around.

 ** _"Gon...,"_** the name feeling surprisngly pleasant as he softly uttered it. _When would they see each other again_? 

A shiver ran down his spine as he remembered the strong and persistent emanation of **_him._** The look of **_his_** shining eyes as if they knew Killua was thinking too much about many things. Shaking the thought of **_him_** off, his own mind wandered back to usual thoughts. It just felt right to sit on the window ledge all alone, it didn’t budge him to what his feelings led. Mostly they led to preposterous thoughts which he had never been considering as wrong since they satisfied him, at least he was able to feel something.

**_What hurt more? Feeling something or nothing?_ **

Navy blue eyes trailed over the night sky repeteadly as if he was trying to find an answer. Indeed, he believed there was a message, even a solution in the light of the stars for his ineffable emotions. It would take plenty of time to ascertain that solution in first place, the fact striking him that he might never figure out the solution, leaving him with doubts and heartfelt fear. Clearly he was aware that all of this might have been useless, spending seconds, minutes and hours on this window ledge, pondering on his feelings that crawled out of his mind ending up on the paper of his profoundly adored pocket book which was now facing the floor. He clearly knew, the night sky and the stars have been there since eternity, meaning they will stay here for another eternity. People weren’t alive for eternity, neither was Killua himself. Hence it meant that time was limited, yet he hadn’t been able to figure out.

**_Figure out what he really wanted. What his heart wished for…_ **

At some point he teared his eyes away from the night sky, glancing at the pocket book on the ground, the sight of the lonely pocket book lying on the ground made his heart squeeze.

For some reason his heartbeat increased in the twinkling of an eye as he stared at the book of his secrets, afraid that the words might have crumbled and might have spilled out on the floor while he had been busily staring up to the night sky. Given his current thoughts Killua clearly wasn’t ordinary. His thoughts went on, wandering, leaving Killua in fear that the words written in the book were possibly creeping over the floor, eventually looking for a hideout in every imaginable corner of his room. That was what Killua reckoned although there was nothing moving, no noise could be heard, yet his jaw clenched at the sound of his own heartbeat.

 

**_He couldn’t deal with it._ ** **_Those feelings, the uncertainity._ ** **_The time running._ **

**_Knowing that he was clueless._ **

 

Swiftly he jumped off the window ledge, feet inaudibly touching the ground as he landed. There was no ink, nor were words spilled on the floor, practically it was only him

 ** _– alone again_** –

and his shadow, clearly appearing as the strong moonlight illuminated. Shadow, just a shadow, that’s what he has been all along. Just a soul without desire, a cold corpse without a wish. He went gently through his silver hair, pulling on a strand of hair subconciously as new thoughts kept entering his mind.

An exhausting adventure – that’s how Killua named his hours of speculating. Hours, minutes and seconds turning him anxious, hurting him – but even so his soul could bear it.  
This time it had been another adventure, causing Killua to fatigue, feeling tiredness in his bones. Tiredness weakened the young boy, sleepiness sneaking into him. Without realizing he had closed his eyes, his shadow slowly vanishing as his body moved to lie down on the floor. There he lied, exhausted due to his thoughts, just a soul trying to understand what he really wanted.

Little did he know, that what he wanted was already there. Yet, the silver haired boy didn't notice. 

It was something that would bring light at the ending of the dark tunnel in which Killua was currently stuck.

Something brighter than light.

 ** _Actually, someone_** who had such a bright soul and mind that Killua’s delirious thoughts would dissolve in seconds.


End file.
